How to be an ally

I am posting this after dialogue with an "ally" who seems to think that any analysis of racism, homo/bi/transphobia, and sexism is about him. You know, because we think he is an evil person and we hate him, just because he is a white straight male.

I was going to write some do's and don't on being an "ally" in my own words, but the fact is is that I have learned them from others.

So instead I have cited online sources (just click on the text). These sources range from general ally talk, to ally work with specific marginalized groups (e.g. people who are trans, sex workers, people with disAbilities, etc.). There is also a listing of these links at the bottom. I encourage you to check out these links for even more awesome information.

As well, please note that due to the major problems that "allies" cause/perpetuate (see below), there is a movement against this word. See http://radicalmasculinity.blogspot.com/2008/09/can-we-stop-using-term-ally.html for more info and a great read. (And I must say I am convinced!)

PS I do apologise for the assortment of colours in the text. I don't get formatting with this blog sometimes!

PPS Let me emphasize, once again, that these are NOT my ideas; they are copied from other's blogs (click on the link for the original)

HOW TO BE AN ALLY

Try to help members of your own group understand oppression and make the links among different forms of oppression.

Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen

Recognize that it isn't about you. If you engage as an ally in conversations about race, you are going to hear some extremely unflattering things about yourself and about white people in general. Try your best not to take it personally; it’s really not about you. It’s about the larger system of racism that a white person has just (often unwittingly) enacted in her behavior or speech. If you get caught up in your own hurt and sense of injury, you stop listening, and when you stop listening, you stop being an ally. Concentrating on your injury is also a way that white privilege sneakily encourages you to value your own experience over the experience of people of color. But don’t let it. Because what you’ve just experienced—painful as it is—is small potatoes compared to the numerous slights and hurts that people of color experience all the time. Furthermore, there’s nothing more deadly to a productive conversation about race than a white person who wants their personal hurt taken care of, particularly if people of color are being asked to do the caretaking.


It’s Not About Being the Good White Person, One thing that many whites feel is the need to be viewed as “The Good White Person.” Especially prevalent among liberals, this syndrome is driven by an extreme fear of being perceived as “racist.” The Good White Person couldn’t possibly have any racism in her heart because she is so enlightened and anti-racist. The Good White Person really gets it and wants to make sure people of color and other whites know that. The Good White Person often ends up making every race conversation about himself. This stance is not only unhelpful, it is dishonest. None of us is without racism in our hearts. We cannot be so tied to appearing innocent or evolved that we make the conversation all about us.


Take the criticism seriously. Do not dismiss it out of hand, especially if the criticism comes from a trans person. Trans people tend to be more aware of transphobia than most cis people are. This is because transphobic attitudes are often a matter of life and death – the ability to find a job, get housing, not get murdered, that sort of thing. Trans people do not find great enjoyment in randomly accusing people of transphobia, and would rather not have to bring it up. On the other hand, please do not appeal to other trans people to justify your words.


Address things everywhere: Even if we're not there to see you do it, fight oppression everywhere you can. Take the things we've requested of you and fight for them even when we aren't there. It shows that you actually give a shit about real change and not just about looking good for the Liberal Reputation Points^TM game. And for every person you change the mind of, that's another person who doesn't do something shitty to one of us. Real massive effects.

Never take public attention or credit for an oppressed group's process of liberation. Refuse to act as a spokesperson, even when reporters gravitate to you because they are more comfortable with you or curious about you. You should speak in public only if members of the oppressed group have asked you to speak from your point of view as an ally.

Trust Us: In the end, some of the things we say are gonna seem outlandish. Your privilege makes it tough to see the truth of the matter. It's like the matrix. You can't see past it but if you ever get that skill it is mind blowing and hard to believe. You need to learn to trust us to report our experiences and not question everything given to you. Because we get that enough from the non allies. We need you to make it easy for once.

Remember that everyone in the oppressor group is part of the oppression. It is ridiculous to claim you are not sexist if you are a man, or not racist if you are white, and so on. No matter how much work you have done on that area of yourself, there is more to be done. All members of this society grow up surrounded by oppressive attitudes; we are marinated in it. It runs in our veins; it is as invisible to us as the air we breathe. I do not believe anyone raised in Western society can ever claim to have finished ridding themselves completely of their oppressive attitudes. It is an ongoing task, like keeping the dishes clean. In fact, the minute I hear someone claim to be free of the attitudes and actions of a certain oppression (as in 'I'm not racist") I feel they have barely begun the process. Humility is the mark of someone who has gone a piece down the road and has caught a glimpse of just how long the road is. 


Having accepted that every member of an oppressor group is an oppressor, try not to feel that this makes you a "bad" person. Self-esteem does not have to mean distancing yourself from the oppressor role; it can come instead from taking a proud part in the struggle to end oppression. We waste a great deal of energy in denying our responsibility for oppression. What would happen if all that energy could be put to work figuring out how to end it?

Remember that in the oppressor role you cannot see the oppression as clearly as the oppressed group can. When people point out your oppressive attitudes or language to you, your first response should be to believe it.

Try to avoid the trap of "knowing what is good for them." Do not take leadership. They are the only ones who can figure out what is good for them, and developing their own leadership strengthens their organizations. It is fine to add thoughts or resources to the process by asking questions of the individuals with whom you have already built up some trust and equality; that is, who will not take it as coming from an authority greater than themselves just because you are a member of the oppressor group. It is not all right to take time at their meeting or public gathering to present your own agenda, or to suggest in any way that they do not understand or see the big picture.

Use gender neutral language when referring to someone’s partner if you don’t know the person well. In general, be aware of the gender language you use and the implications this language might have.

Be Discreet and Respect Personal Boundaries. If you know a sex worker, it’s OK to engage in conversation in dialogue with them in private, but respect their privacy surrounding their work in public settings. Don’t ask personal questions such as “does your family know what you do?” If a sex worker is not “out” to their friends, family, or co-workers, it’s not your place to tell everyone what they do.

Watch Your Language. Cracking jokes or using derogatory terms such as “hooker”, “whore”, “slut”, or “ho” is not acceptable. While some sex workers have “taken back” these words and use them among themselves, they are usually used to demean sex workers when spoken by outsiders.

Speak up when you hear someone say something like "That's so gay," or making other anti-GLBTQ comments or jokes.Explain who that hurts and why. Refrain from using such language yourself.

Acknowledge your white privilege. White privilege refers to all of the benefits we get just for being white. Most of us begin this journey with little awareness of our privilege, partly because we are so used to having the benefits that come with being white that we don’t even realize that we have them. But we also aren’t aware of our privilege because the system has encouraged us not to be. Peggy McIntosh, in her famous essay on white privilege, describes this phenomenon: “As a white person, I realized I had been taught about racism as something that puts others at a disadvantage, but had been taught not to see one of its corollary aspects, white privilege, which puts me at an advantage.” Like McIntosh, I think many of us are aware of how racism hurts others, but not aware of how it benefits us. Without acknowledging the privilege we hold, we can’t truly begin to understand the experience of people of color. Nor can we contribute in any meaningful way to ending racism if we don’t acknowledge that the deck is heavily stacked in our favor.

Make sure you understand the definitions of the terms that are going to be used. The first thing you really need to understand is that the definition of racism that you probably have (which is the colloquial definition: "racism is prejudice against someone based on their skin color or ethnicity") is NOT the definition that's commonly used in anti-racist circles. The definition used in anti-racist circles is the accepted sociological definition (which is commonly used in academic research, and has been used for more than a decade now): "racism is prejudice plus power". What this means, in easy language: A. Anyone can hold "racial prejudice" -- that is, they can carry positive or negative stereotypes of others based on racial characteristics... B. People of any race can commit acts of violence, mistreatment, ostracizing, etc., based on their racial prejudices... C. However, to be racist (rather than simply prejudiced) requires having institutional power. In North America, white people have the institutional power. In large part we head the corporations; we make up the largest proportion of lawmakers and judges; we have the money; we make the decisions. In short, we control the systems that matter. "White" is presented as normal, the default. Because we have institutional power, when we think differently about people based on their race or act on our racial prejudices, we are being racist. Only white people can be racist, because only white people have institutional power. D. People of color can be prejudiced, but they cannot be racist, because they don't have the institutional power. E. If you're in an area of your city/state/province that is predominantly populated by PoC and, as a white person, you get harassed because of your skin color, it's still not racism, even though you're in a PoC-dominated area. The fact is, even though they're the majority population in that area, they still lack the institutional power.

Don't expect a cookie. You don't get a pat on the back or more dates just because you're a [male] feminist. To expect a reward for being a feminist is sort of like expecting accolades for being a good father, or paying your bills on time. You're a feminist because you see the injustices in the world, and have chosen to take actions because of it. This makes you a good person, and good people are everywhere, you're not special.

HOW NOT TO BE AN ALLY


Feel guilty about your particular privilege, then tell members of the oppressed group you’re an “ally” of how guilty you feel and demand they help you work through your guilt.


Argue your privilege call. Face it, you do have privilege. This is a given. If you did something and someone calls privilege on you for it, don't argue it. Because chances are, you are wrong and if you argued it, you're making it just that much harder to get through to you to someone who goes through a helluva lot of shit normally and doesn't need it from allies too.


Give your input on everything so that the oppressed group will reap the benefits of your enlightenment.


Demand cookies from feminists whenever you say anything about women, women’s rights, or gender roles. Pout if you don’t get them. Cry “Oppression!!1″ and “Female privileges!!!” and “Misandry!!!!” if they tell you you’re being an idiot.


Tell people to respect your separate identity as an ally, since you are giving up a lot of your time an energy just to be an ally.


Don’t critique any of your behaviours as a part of a system of oppression, because you are only
appreciating, not appropriating.


Ask marginalized people to source their statements or give proof because they could be tricking you into feeling guilt.


Derail a discussion. Even if it makes you personally uncomfortable to discuss X issue…it’s really not about you or your comfort. It’s about X issue, and you are absolutely free to not engage rather than try to keep other people from continuing their conversation.


Speak for marginalized people. A lot of allies think they know a whole bunch of shit about what we need and how we need it. Well, they're wrong. You can do all the research in the world and you still won't know exactly what a given trans person will need. Fuck, most of us don't know what the rest of us need half the time. So when you speak over trans folk, or Aspects forbid, tell trans folk to shut up because you know what we need, you are being a shit poor ally.


Remember that you’re only doing the oppressed group a favour, and the only way they can get out of oppression is if they help themselves. Tell them that.


Expect a pass into safe spaces because you call yourself an ally. You’re not entitled to access as a result of not being an asshole. Sometimes it just isn’t going to be about you or what you think you should happen. Your privilege didn’t fall away when you became an ally, and there are intra-community conversations that need to take place away from the gaze of the privileged.


Use meetings and organizing time to establish anti-racist credentials.


Say "you are damaging your cause by being angry." By now their feelings are probably deeply hurt and they’re very angry. Don’t forget they encounter this kind of discrimination in subtle ways every single day of their life, so they’re bound to be emotional about it, even resentful... Don’t worry about silly things like their feelings - c’mon, they’re grownups, aren’t they! The only thing that matters is defending your discrimination as completely fair and to avoid examining your prejudiced arguments in ways that may challenge them. You could even drop this little bomb: "You are damaging your cause by being angry, real understanding can only happen if all sides are respectful and patient". Not only do you come across as a smug, self-righteous asshat (though you may prefer the term “bigger person”) you can also manage to subtly make them feel guilty about their anger, as though it’s undeserved! Everybody wins! Well, except them of course.


Remind feminists that you don’t need to be a feminist/ally. It’s not benefitting you or anything — you’re doing all of this for them. Make sure they truly appreciate your help. Because they could never do this feminism thing without you. You’re very important.


Sources:

http://community.feministing.com/2009/05/how-men-can-be-better-feminist.html

http://www.jcu.edu/campuslife/reslife/current/docs/resources/How%20to%20be%20an%20Ally%20if%20you%20are%20a%20Person%20with%20Privilege.pdf

http://heartoffalsehood.wordpress.com/2008/01/14/how-not-to-be-a-feminist-ally-a-list/

http://loveisntenough.com/2009/12/30/how-to-be-an-anti-racist-ally/

http://recursiveparadox.dreamwidth.org/7365.html

http://redlightchicago.wordpress.com/2009/02/03/how-to-be-an-ally-to-sex-workers/

http://studentofchange.com/2009/11/11/on-being-an-effective-white-anti-racist-ally/

http://stuffwhitepeopledo.blogspot.com/2009/08/wonder-where-to-start-when-they-join.html

http://theangryblackwoman.com/2009/10/01/the-dos-and-donts-of-being-a-good-ally/

http://questioningtransphobia.wordpress.com/how-to-check-your-cis-privilege/

http://uppitybrownwoman.wordpress.com/2008/09/15/how-to-be-an-ally/

http://web.cortland.edu/russellk/courses/hdouts/raible.htm

http://www.daa.org.uk/index.php?page=how-to-be-an-ally

http://www.derailingfordummies.com/

http://www.ehow.com/how_5045373_ally-glbtq-community.html